tough love.

Met up with my nanny from twenty years ago last weekend!

Went to the ocean side with her

XiaoHan's language exchange buddy

My language buddy (:

Dream Mall day with XiaoHan!

First idol worship ceremony on the streets that I saw on the way home

Tainan school field trip! Visited two famous museums of Taiwan there

Felt old when I saw my childhood cartoons being displayed in a museum.............

Special exhibit: the women of Taiwan

Bus buddies!

Half of our class who went

Chimei Museum

I'm not perfect. I really am not.
Sometimes when knowing that people knows I'm Christian though, I start thinking I have to be. My actions, my words, my decisions, and my attitude; I just didn't want them to see who Jesus isn't.
How can I though?

I'm only human.

It's been challenging in a way with the people that God has placed beside me these two and a half months. Of course, I won't name names but as I sat down with God today, within one minute, those faces popped into my mind and I couldn't feel guilty about how I've been treating them. I felt like such a failure when I realized they were seeing His love being displayed wrongly.  I would rather hear them say they hate me because it's me than to hear that they won't approach Christ at all because of me. 

But this is how I came to see a little glimpse of grace.

Upon reading a sister's blog post yesterday, I commented and her response hit me hard. I was intend to make the same mistakes in my life, no matter what I try to do and how hard I want to try. No matter what the situation is: friendships, relationships, loving people or a certain someone, I will make the same mistakes in being selfish, prideful, self-centered.

Here comes the topic of dating. (gasp!)

In the past when a guy comes with the possibility of starting a dating relationship with me, I tend to unconsciously have the expectation of having the person to only give me the feeling of being wanted and loved instead of knowing I have to return it too. If they fail at that, I make the hurt and pain twice as large as it was and bitterness and insecurity begins to grow. So of course, none of them worked out as God kept saying no, no, no, no.

Now when a guy I don't have feelings for me that I do not have in return comes along, the mean, ugly Teyen comes out. I start looking down upon them, with the idea that they're not good enough for me because I have this, I have that, so no. Ignore. Mean words. Gossips. And those won't stop until I'm sure his feelings turns into bitterness for me. Can you imagine how many guys I've hurt since as children, we start having crushes?

Can you imagine if that's how Christ loves us?

My mom used to joke with me that my future husband will be like that: someone I will hate so much in the beginning but he won't give up on me while pursuing me. As much hurt I can give him, he just gives me more love in return. 

The glimpse of grace that I saw was that: Love is incomparable to what we humans can show with our worldly love. Yes, I may fail, disappoint, hurt, and keep making the same mistakes over and over again but it's not about keeping a record of wrongs. Instead, it's about keeping a record of how many times Christ covered those wrongs with His love and how many times we should rejoice of that, stand back up, and continue to fight and strive to be like Him. Never give up. Cling on.

"Because your love is better than life
my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the riches of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you."
Psalm 63:3-5

因你的慈愛比生命更好，我的嘴唇要頌讚你。
我還活的時候要這樣稱頌你；我要奉你的名舉手。

我在床上記念你，在夜更的時候思想你；我的心就像飽足了骨髓肥油，
我也要以歡樂的嘴唇讚美你。
詩篇　63:3-5

My dear future husband, whoever you are, first I hope that you're patient because in my opinion, I'm gonna be a challenge to love (if what my mom jokes about is going to come true....). And I am a bit crazy.
 I will hurt you. Fail you, disappoint you, and maybe even make you shed some tears because of me. But I already know that you will too in someways, some day. We won't be perfect together.
But because of the imperfections in our relationships, that's when we'll be reminded of Him. I hope the day we meet, Christ is what I see and love wholeheartedly, not you. I hope the day we meet, Christ is all that you see and love wholeheartedly, not me. Because if it's me, I will end it. Trust me.